No moon
only stars observe us
Maybe they report your location
in blinking language
_____Adriana Citlali
II-IV-MMIV
VII-III-MMXV
Today I am trying reduction on an old poem from 2004, which I never published. It went from 40 words to 14. I like its new form.
MTB: Systematically Derange the Language | dVerse.
No moon
stars observe
blinking language
🙂
The 2004 version is:
There is no moon in the sky.
Only the stars are allowed to observe us.
Maybe they are trying to report your location,
in the blinking of their language.
The moon is gone.
The tears in the river stole her.
I really like the condensed version. The loneliness is not necessary to mention as the space and emptiness do it instead
I like it too, very much.
I admire the condensed version too ~ The vastness of the stars speak for themselves ~
So much said in a few words! Minimal indeed!
I’m yet to write an abridged version 🙂
and maybe
they are just jealous — being only
able to peek in.
I really like the reduction as WELL as the original (which is already lean). I think the reduction is more poetic & packs more of a ‘punch’ than the original. You used this technique to excellent effect!
A wonderful reduction! Though both are lovely, I agree with the comments above, this one is more flavorful!
I love the simplicity.
the ancients knew
the stars must tell us
where to be
Very nice and succinct. Though I like the final stanza in the original about the moon. Peace, Linda
Yeah, I understand the feeling because I struggled a bit deciding whether or not to leave the last stanza out. I decided to do so, as I believe a complete story is told without it and the reader’s imagination can fill the gap.